It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve written anything. And I guess several things have happened in that time that I probably should have posted about but since I didn’t…this will just be a summary of the ‘highlights.’
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I went to see a Christian therapist a couple weeks ago. That was a total bust. I wanted to have a Christian perspective on things, but was still expecting a fairly standard counseling session. I’m pretty sure she quoted more verses and cliche Christian ‘maxims’ at me in less than an hour than the combined conversations I’ve had with people that I’ve gone to for actual spiritual counsel. Things like, “This was God’s best for you,” “God works all things for good,” “He knows the plans he has for you”, “He is faithful,” and “maybe this was him removing an idol from your life because he is a jealous God.” I probably talked less than half the time.
So that was a bummer. I think by the time I finally got to see her though I’d already started to feel like I was making some sort of progress (and the meds had maybe started kicking in), so I’m not sure I’m going to try to find another therapist or just see how it goes.
It did lead me to reach out to my pastor again though and we had a very good conversation last week that I’m still trying to work on processing/applying. Next blog post, probably. It needs its own space.
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My sister had her baby. He’s beautiful, and they are so tender and loving towards him. It was neat to see my sister just take on that role; it wasn’t one I could necessarily picture her in so it was cool to see that side of her blossom.
And she handled my visit with the same grace she used when she told me about her pregnancy in the first place. She gave me permission to be sad and to feel mixed emotions. She acknowledged them without even being prompted, she guessed some of the things I might have been feeling and made it completely valid to feel that way.
It’s amazing how simply being given freedom to have negative/mixed emotions just kind of makes those negative emotions less intense.
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Mother’s Day. Meh. Not much to say there. I was on call all weekend so I kept somewhat distracted. But it was still painful and by trying not to think about it I probably thought about it more.
Had a few people reach out; they acknowledged the losses and reminded me of my valid claim to motherhood even if it’s not visible to most so that was very sweet. My sister-in-law even checked in with my husband to see if she should get me flowers; so I had to try to be less annoyed with her for a few days…though she’s continued to make that difficult.
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She is probably going to have her baby this week. She wants to be induced before her due date because she’s “so over being pregnant,” she exaggerates every contraction and bemoans every interrupted night of sleep, and now that things are getting closer to happening she is “so nervous about all of it.” I just feel like it’s really hard to be sympathetic, I want to just be like: “Last time I checked, you absolutely wanted this.” Though I guess technically she wanted the baby so maybe she didn’t consider all the aspects of the process to get there.
I just feel like she’s going to be over-dramatic about everything. The pain of labor, the pain of recovery, the pain of breastfeeding, the challenge of adjusting to life with a newborn. And it makes me angry because it feels like a slap in the face because I’m willing to take on all of that and I still don’t get to.
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Still no period. It’ll be 7 weeks since the D&C on Friday; I’m not sure at what point I start getting concerned…though we’re between health insurance providers this month so there’s not much I could do even if nothing happens for a few more weeks. I don’t want to get my hopes up that we somehow managed to conceive again already; I doubt my body figured out that it needed to ovulate and with his swimmers being on the slow side it would be highly unlikely that they made it to an egg without assistance. We haven’t been consistent enough either. So I think it’s just a matter of continuing to wait.
At the Appointed Time 