after miscarriage · appointed time · motherhood · pregnancy

First trimester anxieties

Pregnancy after loss.

It is simultaneously a beautiful gift that one desperately wants to appreciate fully (fatigue, nausea, and all)…and a constant juggling of fears that this too will be over before it’s even had a chance to begin.

We have had ultrasounds about every week since 6 weeks, so this current two week stretch between week 9.5 and what will be 11.5 has felt like forever. And the longer it goes, the more I convince myself that something has gone wrong. As of our second ultrasound they’d already made it farther than the last pregnancy…and the third ultrasound at 8.5 weeks got us past where we learned that the last pregnancy had ended. So to see them again a week later…bigger, moving, looking great (per the doctor)…brought so much relief.

But the more people that we tell, as we prepare to send out our Christmas card announcement next week, as we rejoice with family and friends over this double blessing…I can’t help but be so nervous about what we will see (or won’t) on Thursday afternoon.

Even if everything is okay, which odds are at this point that it probably will be…I’ll say that I’m fine and can relax now…but I know that as soon as we leave the appointment and start the next wait between ultrasounds I’ll immediately start worrying that something could still go wrong.

It is really hard to just relax and enjoy being pregnant. And it makes me sad that that’s the reality…because I really wanted to be able to truly enjoy this season.

I love these little ones so deeply. But it’s hard still to acknowledge that they are really there because the fear of loss is still so raw. And that makes me sad too.

I’m ready to be out of the first trimester; not because it’s supposed to have fewer symptoms (though that will be a nice plus) but because it will (hopefully) mark the point at which I can breathe just a little easier (figuratively) about the pregnancy continuing as it should for both our babies.

appointed time · Baby bugs · pregnancy

First ultrasound

We went in for our first ultrasound yesterday.

Babies are measuring right on track (I think, he didn’t say otherwise!!) with good strong heartbeats right around 120 (also normal I think for 6w2d).

Yes. I typed that correctly. BABIES. There are two. It was pretty apparent the second the ultrasound started. TWO very clear separate sacs. Doctor measured each, and we saw/heard each heartbeat though the second one was a little harder to see as it was farther away from the ultrasound wand.

I had a feeling. I was hopeful. But it was so wonderful and surreal to see both on that screen. Baby A and Baby B.

We’re having twins!!! My husband keeps saying, “see, we got our babies back!” I’m really not sure I see it that way (each life is it’s own), but it is a really sweet blessing for this moment after *two* years of infertility and *two* losses to be expecting *two* little ones.

We go back next week for another ultrasound. I’m glad I don’t have to quite wait two weeks, though as it gets closer I’m sure I’m going to get very nervous. But if we make it to the next ultrasound and all is well, they will have already made it one day farther than their ‘sister.’ Small victories, taking this one day and one week at a time.

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I did tell the doctor that I’ve been having left sided pelvic pain on and off since the beginning (worse around week 4) but that since all the follicles were on the right I didn’t suspect any ectopic pregnancy. But he looked anyway, and unfortunately I do have a couple rather large cysts on/near/in (?) my left ovary; so he put me on activity restrictions for now. And any activity restrictions at all (no lifting) means I can’t be out doing home visits with patients in case something happens, so I’m off work.

Really hopeful that does not last for more than a few weeks (or just the first trimester); as we were not accounting for me to stop working until at least the third trimester, so finances may get just a little tight. But in the meantime a doctor-mandated break is a very welcome thing; work had become very stressful (which stresses me out in a way to have to leave with no warning), and I’m looking forward to not having to think about it at all for a little while.