Tag: resolutions

how to · Infertility · iui · journal entry · Resolution update · trying to conceive

On ‘exciting’

isabelrnLeave a comment

Couple updates before the main content of the post.

  • I gave up on the resolutions. I found I didn’t have the motivation anymore once my cycle started; it was supposed to get me through a cycle and it did, and I’m not sure I want to continue it for now. It definitely helped get some better patterns in place though and I have been reminded of the variety of activities I can use to fill time when I am so inclined.
  • Took my last dose of Clomid today. No significant unpleasant side effects thus far; though I guess it maybe hasn’t started working yet. Had hot flashes one night; and the last 2-3 days I’ve been abnormally tired.

I noticed something at the start of this cycle that irked me. I shared with several people that we were beginning a medicated/timed IUI cycle (as my period had arrived)…and two of the responses (from someone who is currently pregnant and someone who had no trouble conceiving at all) were essentially, “Yay, that’s so exciting!!” 

No, it’s really not. It’s not exciting to be disappointed again, it’s not exciting to have to pursue assistance with getting pregnant. It’s not exciting to anticipate going on hormone meds with potentially nasty side effects; to anticipate having to go be inseminated at the doctor’s office just to increase our chances (not even a guarantee!) of conception.

I wanted to respond with, “oh yeah, it’s the best; isn’t it a bummer that you haven’t had the opportunity to do it too?” 

See, getting pregnant is exciting. Hearing the heartbeat is exciting. Getting to start decorating the nursery is exciting. Having a baby is exciting. Starting an IUI cycle? Not so much.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m so grateful that we have the resources to pursue this option right now. I’m hopeful that it’s just this little boost we need to finally make a baby.  But I’m also sad that we have to, and very afraid that the disappointment if it doesn’t work will be worse than all the ones before it.

As an aside; my mom and my sister responded much better to the initial news. My mom’s text was, “I’m sorry, that’s not what we were hoping for….are you feeling peaceful about this next step?” My sister echoed the apology, asked how I was holding up, and then when I shared the above ‘exciting!’ responses, she says, “yeah, careless choice of words; it’s emotional, heavy, and little (big) glimmer of hope to you.” 

I guess what I (re) learned here is that it is so important not to assume you know what others are feeling. Just ask them. Don’t project your emotions onto a situation; and realize that by doing this you risk simplifying a complicated emotional reaction. And this doesn’t just apply to infertility; though it’s my journey right now so I’m rather focused on that aspect.

 

daily art · Infertility · Resolution update · trying to conceive

Resolutions update week 4

isabelrnLeave a comment

Before I summarize…

1 Wednesday was just one of those bad days. Felt pretty discouraged and depressed and sad. My blog post about sympathy and empathy was definitely on the whiny/pity party side. But husband helped me work through it (again) and I’ve been feeling a little better.

2 Brother got married yesterday; so I didn’t get most of my goals done yesterday (or Friday-helping set up, traveling, etc). (Aside: she is using an IUD for birth control, so let’s just say if she gets pregnant before we do, I’m going to be super annoyed *shrug*

Since 1/4/19 (8 days)

  • Bible reading: every day
  • thankfuls: every day
  • reading: 6 of 8
  • creative: 6 of 8. (photo session with cousins, photo editing, multiple paintings in one day (so that covers my missed days), designed a couple personalized burp cloths, wrote a blog post, and did another watercolor)
  • cleaning; 7 of 8
  • yoga or walking: 5 of 8; missed two in a row over the weekend
  • piano: 3 of 8
  • date/activity with husband: dinner out on Sunday; art night at home on Monday.
  • jigsaw puzzle: no
  • blog update: done

So overall not too bad in light of the above notes (and the bachelorette party on the 5th). I keep missing the jigsaw puzzle (I just don’t have as much down time as I expected) and I’m not keeping up with my ‘every other day’ activities very well. Also drank my quart of water every day, and overall managing to eat very healthily.

TTC update. While I’m not tracking (and trying unsuccessfully not to keep thinking about it, though it is more manageable for the most part); I do think that there’s a good chance I ovulated around the 4th between the few signs that I noticed without even looking for them. If so, I guess that means I should expect AF by the end of this week or the beginning of next…so I’m not sure I’ll be able to wait til February to test (assuming she doesn’t show). We’ll see. 

Infertility · Resolution update

Resolutions update week 3

isabelrnLeave a comment

I won’t have time tomorrow (future sister-in-law’s bachelorette party all day), so here’s my update for this week so far.

Today I may have just taken a break…was up late last night for work and just needed to veg out a bit after the last few weeks of work overall…so today’s data will impair my results a bit. Oh well.

  • bible reading: every day
  • reading: every day. Mostly the new book I got (Empty Womb, Aching Heart), one of the days it was a CEU lesson for my license renewal. *shrug*
  • cleaning: every day.
  • creative: see yesterday’s post for my art projects. Today I think I’m just going to skip but maybe I’ll color a little later while I watch Netflix
  • thankfuls: every day
  • piano: 4 of 6 days
  • yoga/walk: 3 of 6 days. Skipping today because I’m tired (see above) and tomorrow part of the bachelorette party is a yoga lesson in the park so I figure that double counts
  • puzzle: done
  • date night/activity: dinner out on Sunday night, game night with him and family on Monday night
  • blog update: done
  • drank 1 quart of water every day

And while I’m not tracking this cycle (and yes, I still think about it all the time but it’s been manageable so far with all the activities to distract me…), I did notice a gush of watery mucus today and I’m about 3 weeks in which is when I’m usually in my window. So here’s hoping. I may not be able to wait until the end of January though if I am indeed a day or two away from ovulation.

daily art · Resolution update · Uncategorized

Amateur artist in the making.

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My first week of art projects (proof that I’m doing it!)

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-Friday night; using watercolor pencils.

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Sunday: Pine trees (watercolor paint)

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Monday: experiment with watercolor application techniques and color mixing. Only used a red/blue paint in this entire piece. Reminds me of a girl running…fitting that it was done on New Year’s Eve. #bye2018

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Tuesday: Disappearing Road (oil pastels)

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Wednesday: my attempt to follow a video tutorial for a mountain lake. Mine and his vary just a *little*. (watercolors)

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Thursday: floral arrangement (acrylics)

Not going to lie, I’m pretty pleased with how (most) of these turned out; given that I’ve never really done anything like this before (except for the occasional ‘paint night’ and when I was a child)

Infertility · iui · Resolution update · trying to conceive

Resolutions update post 2

isabelrnLeave a comment

First off; a couple emotions/thoughts from the Christmas week related to TTC.

  • Got a bit emotional after Christmas morning with husband’s family. Sister-in-law is so dramatic about her pregnancy (this is the one that was also TTC and ever since getting pregnant has basically forgotten about our journey)…plus I just miss her and I miss having that friendship but I just don’t even want to talk to her right now and I don’t like that I don’t want to talk to her and being around her without talking to her is just hard. And I also couldn’t help but remember that fact that this is now the second Christmas in a row that she’s been blissfully pregnant (granted, they found out two days after Christmas last year that the baby hadn’t developed…but still) and I’m over here waiting.
  • -I really don’t mind sharing our journey with friends or family. I’m happy to tell people where we’re at and what’s going on when people who know we are struggling ask. But I felt the sting today of being judged and given unsolicited advice….I was telling one of my cousins that we are going to be moving forward with a medicated IUI cycle if nothing happens this month and her response was “you really should consider seeing a naturopathic doctor, they usually test for things that a regular doctor won’t and maybe they could get you on some vitamins or supplements that would help.” This is coming from someone who was TTC for a year and a half. I’m sorry. She should know better how annoying it is to be told all the ways in which you clearly aren’t doing enough.

As for resolutions. It’s been a bit tricky this week with the holiday and going away for a couple scattered overnights; I had very little down time…but I did the best I could.

  • Read the Bible every day
  • Read something every day except Wednesday when I was out of town: Anne of Ingleside mostly
  • Creative: struggled a bit. Edited my short story, took more photos, and then I got a mixed media art set for Christmas so yesterday and today I did some watercolor experimentation
  • Thankfuls: every day.
  • Cleaning/home maintenance: fudged this a few days (counted taking a shower one of the days as ‘cleaning myself’), and used ‘clean up clutter’ several times
  • Yoga/walking: eek. One out of seven days.
  • Piano: Two out of seven days.
  • Dates/activities: Do all the Christmas festivities count?
  • Puzzle: worked on one the other night with mom/sister

Now things are back to normal (we don’t do much for New Year’s Eve) so I will get back on track with all this; and back to eating healthy again starting tomorrow. But I did drink my full quart of water every day this week as well.

Infertility · Resolution update

Resolutions update post 1

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This is going to be super short since I’m on call this weekend for hospice and no joke; worst on-call weekend so far. There’s supposed to be an RN and and LVN on call on weekends; the RN to do any visits that are scheduled as “daily RN” and admissions, the LVN to assist with the as needed visits that inadvertently happen. The LVN called off and no replacement was found. So it’s just me…for 67 patients…for 60 hours. I started at 7:15am, got home at 4 pm…and still have the potential to get called out at any time.

Anyway. Enough of that. So much for a short post. *shrug*

All that to say; as far as my resolution project, with the exception of yesterday and today (because I literally have had no down time since yesterday morning), I have been doing very well.

*read the Bible: every day

*other reading: Anne of Green Gables book 5, started book 6; attempted to read “Go Set A Watchman” but gave up (didn’t like it), John Donne

*cleaned something/did house-maintaining activities: every day

*creative enterprises: photography twice, blog post, a poem, a short story, and doodling

*thankfuls: every day.

*dates: photo taking date in LA, looking at Christmas lights

*piano: 3 of 7 days

*yoga: 4 of 7 days

*puzzle: didn’t happen. Hopefully next week.

*blog check in: done

Also: I drank at least 1 quart of water every day, and managed to avoid for the most part too many snack/junk foods (though one of my patient’s families baked me a bag of Christmas goodies so how could I not?). I’m also proud of myself for making a super healthy/fertility boosting trail mix that I’ve snacked on all week instead of junk food; as well as juicing/making smoothies to supplement my diet during the week.

With the exception of yesterday and today: doing very well at this project! *pats self on back*

Now to go try to sleep a little more before I get called out again.

 

how to · Infertility · journal entry · sermon takeaways

When your post has a mind of its own…

isabelrnLeave a comment

I don’t know if this counts as my ‘creative’ activity of the day since I’m just planning to vent a little bit…but I’m technically writing so I’ll probably count it.

I’m actually in pretty good spirits today. The sermon this morning was very encouraging and challenging; especially the bit about “rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.” More on that another day perhaps…

Or not. Suddenly I don’t think I should use today’s post to vent. I can save that for another time.

We’re going through Romans in church; and we finally reached Romans 12. That’s been a journey in itself; and we’ve been in Romans 12:9-16 for several weeks now. Today was focused on verses 14-16.

Paul calls us here to humility…humility being a state in which we consider others above ourselves. If we are considering others above ourselves, the natural result is that we sympathize with others. We take our eyes off our own situations and fully enter into the joys and the sorrows of others.

Rejoice with those who rejoice: as an early church father pointed out, perhaps Paul put this one first because it is actually harder than it sounds. Especially for a girl on a journey of infertility. I don’t want to rejoice with yet another acquaintance or friend or family member who is pregnant. But if I’m thinking of others above myself, then their joy should be mine as well.

Mourn with those who mourn: easier to understand. Not always easy to do; especially for the fixers who don’t know what to say or do to ease pain. But as I’ve already learned and experienced, in times of grief it is almost always more effective to just sit with, cry with, be with. Pastor read a reflection from someone who’d experienced loss, and the takeaway was the realization that people who come bearing platitudes and messages of hope and redemption are often the ones that we wish would leave. It’s the ones who “sit quietly, listen carefully, and pray simply” that bring the most peace and comfort.

And interestingly enough, that last bit leads into what I initially wanted to write about. I’ll close with this as a reflection instead of creating an unnecessarily long tirade. Perhaps the ‘sit quietly, listen carefully, and pray simply” is why I’m feeling so tired of all the people who want to tell me about every so-and-so they know who “tried for _____ and then got pregnant”, and especially when that includes a “maybe you should try ______.” I’m not in a place right now to hear that. It doesn’t help. I just want the people I share this struggle with to show up, listen to me vent, and then pray simply with me for patience in God’s timing (and for his timing to be soon!).

how to · Infertility · iui · trying to conceive

Resolved

isabelrnLeave a comment

Aunt Flo arrived today in all her unwelcome glory. I knew she was coming between the negative test at 12 dpo and a temp drop when I woke up. So I spent the morning between my hospice visits fighting back tears of disappointment and frustration and anger and longing and aching.

Then, somehow, it abated. Just like every cycle, hope begins to rebirth. I allow the grief to do it’s thing, then in his grace God reminds me that he is still faithful. I couldn’t even explain what did it this time. I didn’t even recognize it when it happened. Just, suddenly, I wasn’t overwhelmed by sadness.

I’ve (almost) decided that this upcoming cycle…our last one before we pursue assisted reproductive methods (IUI)…should be one without the pressure of tracking. I was initially so desperate to catch our fertile window, so hung up on knowing when I ovulated to know when I could test. I didn’t do well before with not tracking. But I think I can do it one more time. I think, for the health of my marriage and my own spiritual growth I need to let it all go and just be. We will do life, be intimate, enjoy each other…and if I haven’t started my period by February 1st, I’ll take a test. If I have, then we’ll proceed with IUI. Simple.

And to keep myself distracted, to productively fill the time, and to recognize what it can look like to enjoy my life in this child-free time…here are my “resolves” for the next 7 weeks. This blog space will be my accountability. I’ll try to check in at least once a week with updates on how well I’m doing. The list is long but some of the things could take as little as 5 minutes so it’s not really all that much. I’m even going to put the list on my refrigerator.

  • read my Bible: every day
  • read at least a chapter from a book: every day. (maybe I’ll resume my ‘alphabetical by author progression through my book collection. I’m somewhere in the D’s)
  • yoga or walk: at least every other day
  • something creative (drawing or other art, coloring, photography, scrapbooking, writing): every day
  • play the piano: at least every other day
  • clean something: every day. (will probably make a schedule for this)
  • intentional date night or memory-making activity with husband: at least once a week
  • do a jigsaw puzzle: at least once a week
  • list 5 things I’m thankful for: every day

Here’s to making this cycle the best one yet.