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Update: end of March 2019

Our baby died. The follow up ultrasound at 8w4d showed no heartbeat and baby measuring 7w2d. That combination made it pretty clear that this pregnancy is over. We had repeat ultrasounds to confirm; and the results were the same.

So we are back to trying again. Or will be; once this miscarriage is complete and my body returns to a normal cycle. Thankfully we can do IUI again once my period resumes after the miscarriage.

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Update: early March 2019:

After our first IUI procedure in February, we finally got a positive pregnancy test. And then another, and then quite a few more. Bloodwork went up the way it was supposed to, urine tests continued to darken, and days turned into weeks. First ultrasound showed a heartbeat, so it seems like this is finally it and we have our little miracle rainbow baby on the way, due late October.

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It’s been a year. So I thought it was time to start a blog. Partly to have a space that I can process all the emotions, partly to connect with others experiencing the same things, and partly to try to use this somehow to help somebody else.

I absolutely believe that God has a purpose for all of this. I know that his timing is not mine, I know that he is always good, and I know that nothing my husband and I do or don’t will make a pregnancy happen any sooner. I have peace in that knowledge; but it is still painful and it still aches. That’s just being human I guess.

This is my ‘trying to conceive’ journey.

I’ve wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. I grew up in a large family in a community where wives were home-makers and that was honorable. Getting married and being a mom was just what you did; and it was absolutely what I wanted.

I was so desperate for this that I got married a little too quickly just out of college; and spent almost 4 years in a very difficult marriage with a guy who kept pushing the question of starting a family further and further down the timeline, and eventually told me that he didn’t want me to even be the mother of his children. This was not the cause of our eventual separation and divorce, but it definitely helps paint a picture of what was going on in our relationship. I never planned on getting divorced, but when he chose to end the marriage I felt tremendous relief. This was in the fall of 2015.

Fastforward to summer of 2016 when I met my husband. Our story is truly amazing and it beautifully illustrates God’s perfect grace and redemption. This man is everything I could have wanted, imagined, or prayed for. We absolutely love doing life together.

We got married a year later. We both very much wanted children, and while we did not plan to try right away, we were not going to use any prevention. Amazingly, we conceived on (or shortly after) our honeymoon. We were so excited and felt so incredibly blessed. But a week after the first positive test I miscarried.

Knowing that we were going to be parents for that brief time assured both of us that we were absolutely ready, and the ‘not trying but not preventing’ immediately became ‘trying.’

And now it’s been a year.

So welcome. I hope this space is one that encourages you if you are trying to conceive; that it reminds you that God is always faithful and always good, and that we are still allowed to cry. Because I do.