Month: June 2019

Infertility · iui

A miscellany

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After a whole headache’s worth of phone calls on Wednesday between our medical group, our insurance provider, and the clinic…finally got all the authorizations we needed. Unfortunately we still have to pay 50% of everything, and insurance won’t cover the actual IUI procedure, but it’s better than 100% of everything.

It was probably the fastest “initial consult” of all time. Since I’m new to this clinic, I had to schedule an initial consult with the doctor. But she already knows me and knows our history…so it was basically a “well, the protocol we did last time worked well, so I’d like to just try that exact same thing again…call on the first day of your cycle and we’ll get started!” We chatted a bit about what could have gone wrong before (she still thinks it was most likely a chromosome issue, but assured me if it happens again that she’ll do a workup on me), but I was in there no more than 5-10 minute. She was happy to see me, it was very sweet and that made me feel encouraged.

Also just grateful to know that we can jump back in right away. I’m expecting AF sometime the end of this week or anytime next week…so assuming there’s no problems (cysts etc), we could maybe be pregnant again by the end of July? I guess in the grand scheme of things that’s really not that far away.

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Still just feeling super blah and disinterested overall. I was keeping a thankfulness and productivity log and after a stressful couple of work days last week I sorta got out of the habit. Maybe I’ll try to start again on Monday, it definitely keeps me more accountable. I’m keeping up with my chore chart and trying to occupy some of my time with productive activities but I just don’t see the point in any of it and I’m really struggling with a lack of purpose. Tried bringing that up in my most recent spiritual care meetings but it didn’t seem to get heard.

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Definitely had a very memorable highlight this week; my favorite artist was in the area (ish) and was going to be performing at a convention. He *never* comes to the West Coast, so I had made note of the event some time ago. I had forgotten to follow up on the dates of the convention or look into tickets or anything until Thursday…and as of Thursday afternoon I realized that his concert was *that night* and that I had no way to find out if there were even still tickets available; so I didn’t think it was worth it to make the two hour plus drive in the chance that we couldn’t even get in. I was so bummed out that I’d missed an opportunity to finally see him perform.

My husband is basically the greatest; he gave up his evening with no advance warning and drove us out there anyway. He has heard a song or two by this guy, but doesn’t really know his music so had no real interest in going other than to make me happy. We made it to the convention center (barely!); had no problem getting tickets and were able to get seats surprisingly close to the front.

So I got to see Andrew Peterson perform. It was so good. I especially enjoyed getting to hear him talk about some of the stories behind the songs that he played; it really gives them another layer of meaning.

And then at the end we were able to go through the book signing line and meet him. It’s one of those awkward “I have so many things I want to say but I have to try to condense it into a short couple sentences for the sake of everyone else in line; and chances are he’s heard this ten thousand times so I’m just another face saying the same things but I still want him to know his music has meant something to me.” So I managed something, he signed the book we purchased, husband snapped a photo of him signing with me on the other side of the table, and we headed back home.

 

after miscarriage · grief and loss · Infertility · iui · pregnancy loss · sermon takeaways · trying to conceive

The valley of “should be”

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I can’t help but think about the fact that today I should be halfway through my pregnancy. We should already know our baby’s gender, we should be planning for baby showers and where to fit a crib in our apartment…I should be starting to show and…and…and…

I thought when my period came a few weeks ago that things clicked into place and that I was ready to be okay again. In some ways, I have been; I’ve at least been able to be productive and not zone out in front of the TV for hours on end (see previous post).

But every time I see a baby I want to cry. Every time I hear about another pregnancy it’s a gut punch. Every day of my cycle feels like it’s another day closer to be reminded of failure; because at this point I really don’t have a whole lot of confidence that we’ll be able to conceive completely naturally.

I’m just so tired of this being all consuming. But I honestly don’t know how to think about anything else.

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On a separate note, at least things are in process again with infertility treatments. It was super stressful for a couple weeks; I was beginning to be afraid that our new insurance wouldn’t be accepted anywhere (though technically I didn’t even know enough about our plan to get accurate information from any of the clinics I called).

But after a bunch of phone calls and (unnecessary) stress…I was able to switch our insurance ‘group’ to the one that is accepted at the clinic where our previous RE already works. I’m very hopeful that because she knows us she will just let us jump right in to another round of IUI with my upcoming cycle and not make us go through all the testing again; though if it’s a matter of getting insurance to cover things maybe she’ll still have to. I don’t know. I’m just grateful to be able to go back to her; it’s a small blessing in all of this.

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I’ll close with a couple reflections from one of my pastor’s recent sermons. He just finished going through Psalm 23; and the sermon on verse 4 (“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me”) had some especially helpful observations.

First was just the quote that he started with…an ancient proverb or something. “All sunshine and no rain makes a desert.” Enough said about that.

He also pointed out the following observation, something I’d never noticed before. The first three verses of the psalm refer to the Lord as “He.” (he leads me, he restores…etc) After the valley…after the first part of verse 4, David refers to the Lord as “you.” (“You are with me, you prepare, you anoint…). Walking through the inevitable valleys of life deepen our relationship with our shepherd and make it personal. We’re not just sheep being herded around…we are children walking through life with a father who pursues us with goodness and mercy. (that was in today’s sermon; the word for follow in verse 6 actually can be translated as “pursue.”)

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And as I pondered a title for this post I realized that the whiny first part is it’s own type of valley…so I guess I need to actually take what I just shared to heart. Hopefully it encourages someone else but apparently I also needed to be reminded of it again.