baby dancing · Infertility · journal entry · trying to conceive

Selfish intimacy

Potential TMI/sensitive content to follow.

I like sex. I didn’t realize how much I liked it until this marriage. I always felt that something was wrong with the infrequency of intimacy in my first marriage (as in, months in between was normal), but I assumed that was just because I knew theoretically that a healthy sex life was important to a healthy marriage. With my husband now, who actually has a normal male sex drive…I have discovered that I also have a high sex drive and I just really, really like having sex. And I think we are pretty good at it. We have fun, and we are definitely not afraid to try different things. No more needs to be said there.

But not only is sex fun and satisfying…it is one of the primary ways that we connect with each other. So we are very regular, regardless of where I’m at in my cycle. If we go too many days, we both feel the disconnect.

However, during what I assume is my fertile window (which is hard to pinpoint due to my lack of fertility indicators…making it longer in perception than it actually is), the only reason I am interested in sex is to make a baby. The only reason I try to get him aroused or put on lingerie is because ‘ovulation could be just around the corner.’ It is no longer about the intimacy, about serving my husband, about enjoying him and this aspect of our relationship.

  • The nights we have sex I’m thinking; “could this be it?” and “thank goodness we hit another night in the window” and already calculating due dates and odds of success.
  • The nights we don’t have sex I’m thinking, “if I don’t get a positive this month, is it because we missed tonight?” and “how can I get him to be interested in having sex without telling him why I want it?”

I struggle with wanting to tell him that I’m possibly fertile so that he prioritizes intimacy even more than he normally would…and not wanting to tell him because I want him to be able to enjoy the intimacy without feeling the pressure to finish (and because I’m not supposed to be tracking as much as I am….)

So there it is. When I am mid cycle, I’m an extremely selfish (and dishonest) wife. Sex becomes about making a baby, not about expressing love to my husband or seeking to be intimate with him for the sake of our marriage.

I don’t know what to do with that. I mean, I know I need to ask God for forgiveness and I probably should also be honest with my husband (and ask his forgiveness). But I don’t know how to adjust my attitude so that this doesn’t keep happening…other than going back to not tracking at all but that has brought it’s own set of problems.

 

 

 

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