Tag: Infertility

appointed time · Infertility · journal entry · trying to conceive · ttc

If the answer is no…

isabelrnLeave a comment

hrajkvnl;areuijgvnzdk;hunnvaiodfhsiknd

Head to keyboard.

I did a dumb thing today. I took a pregnancy test. It’s still technically early (though now I’m questioning if I even ovulated when I thought)…so it’s not necessarily accurate, but I’m only a few days away from my expected period and I used a super sensitive test. I had convinced myself that it was going to be positive (though this was mixed with an equally strong rational awareness that it most likely wouldn’t be).

It was negative.

This happens every time. I tell myself I’m going to wait to test because I can’t stand the disappointment of another negative…and I also tell myself not to symptom spot because it just makes the disappointment greater the more convinced I am that it’s real. Yet every cycle I get to the last few days and I find more and more “pregnancy” symptoms and I manage to talk myself into testing early because it “should show up by now….” And then I have another day of being miserable in addition to the day AF actually shows up because I see that negative and know that my rational side was right all along.

So after church I had another meltdown. Today my husband just let me cry. He let me be angry and sad and frustrated; and told me not to feel guilty for feeling the negative emotions. I had a good cry. Think I may have another later…tears are welling up as I write all this.

I’m honestly struggling with the place I’m in right now.

  • This isn’t fair
  • Why can’t we have a miracle?
  • Is this because I disrespected my parents, rushed into my first marriage, and then got divorced? 
  • Did God give me this ache for motherhood only to dangle it just out of reach while everyone else gets it?
  • Even if I do conceive again, what if it’s not successful either? I can’t cope with another miscarriage.
  • I’m tired of hoping and being disappointed; and tired of this consuming my every thought. 
  • It is only going to get harder to watch my sister and sister-in-law go through their pregnancies with every month that we still aren’t pregnant. I’m not selfless enough to put my hurt aside, and I’m not strong enough to not let it hurt that they have this and I don’t.

For a long time I’ve been able to say that “oh, well, it must just not be the right time,” and for the most part I’ve been okay with that in hindsight. I’ve seen ways in which it wasn’t the right time before and I’m (mostly) grateful for the things that wouldn’t have happened if we had gotten pregnant or already had a baby.

I believe fully that God can bless us with a baby at any time. Nothing we do or don’t will make that happen when it’s not supposed to. I don’t like waiting. But the longer this goes on, the more that deeper fear kicks in. What if the answer is no? What if this is simply not going to happen for us?

I am not okay with that. I don’t know how to be okay with it. And I don’t even think I want to try.

I’m not proud of what that says about the strength of my faith. I also imagine it’s that right there that is part of the reason we are walking through this…to stretch me and teach me to accept an answer that may not fit with my plan.

—————–

Note; I’m going to feel really silly about this post if I end up with a positive pregnancy test in a few days (or weeks if I ovulated later than I thought). 

 

Infertility · trying to conceive

A stats and timeline post

isabelrnLeave a comment

This is my data from the last year plus of trying. Just for kicks…just in case some random fertility specialist happens to find this and can pinpoint exactly what’s wrong based on this. Just kidding. Mostly.

July 17th, 2017; start of period. First BD’ing, wedding night August 7th.

  • August 28th: First positive pregnancy test. Repeated positive at the MD’s office, repeat home tests positive on the 30th and September 1st.
  • September 3rd: Heavy bleeding/cramps, most likely miscarriage. Confirmed September 5th when ultrasound showed no evidence of pregnancy.

September 3rd-October 12th: “cycle.” Likely not ovulatory due to recent miscarriage, no tracking

October 13th-November 12th: 31 day cycle. Still not tracking, assumed we would be able to conceive again fairly quickly

November 13th-December 22nd:

  • 40 day cycle.
  • Likely ovulation on CD 27, confirmed by BBT shift.
  • 13 day LP

December 23rd-January 24th: purchased AVA watch at start of cycle, began wearing it around the end of period.

  • 33 day cycle.
  • Likely ovulation CD 21 based on a positive OPK this day and a temp shift CD 22.
  • 12 day LP
  • AVA thinks ovulation occurred CD 20

January 25th-February 28th

  • 35 day cycle
  • Ovulation CD 20 or CD 25: OPKs positive CD 20 and 21, no temp shift until CD 26
  • LP 14 days or 10 days depending on ovulation
  • AVA confirms ovulation CD 20 per ‘biphasic shift.’

March 1st-March 30th

  • 30 day cycle
  • Ovulation CD 20 based on very dark OPK on CD 19 and temp shift CD 21, also AVA’s prediction
  • LP 10 days
  • AVA thinks ovulation occurred CD 18

March 31st-May 4th

  • 35 day cycle
  • Unclear ovulation: positive OPKs CD 20 and 21, watery mucus CD 21, no temp shift until CD 25 but AVA indicated that ovulation occurred CD 21 (with biphasic shift confirmation).
  • 14 day LP, negative HPT May 3rd (assumed I was late due to recent shorter LP’s

May 5th-June 19th

  • 46 day cycle
  • Ovulation per temp shift CD 32
  • 14 day LP, negative HPT June 19th AM.
  • AVA found biphasic shift/put ovulation on CD 21 (making LP 25 days….)

June 20th-August 2nd

  • 44 day cycle
  • First temp shift CD22, likely ovulation per second temp shift CD 33, but first positive OPK CD 29, 4-5 days of positive OPKs this cycle
  • 11 day LP; though unsure because ovulation unclear
  • AVA thinks ovulation was CD 31 (making LP 13 days)

August 3rd-September 1st

  • 30 day cycle
  • Ovulation likely CD 19, positive OPKS CD 17 and 18.
  • 13 day LP
  • AVA confirms ovulation at CD 21 (making LP only 11 days)

September 2nd-October 2nd: took a break from tracking everything, 31 day cycle

October 3rd-present: started fertil-aid mid cycle.

  • currently on CD 31, positive OPK CD 23 so likely ovulation CD 23 or 24; 9-10 DPO.

So basically nothing is regular. Cycle length, luteal length, ovulation day.

I can’t depend on AVA, I can get up to 5 days of clearly positive OPKs when you’re supposed to get maybe two, and I have never had any fertile mucus other than a gush of watery somewhere in my fertile window.

Good luck to us.

Infertility · trying to conceive · ttc

infertile

isabelrnLeave a comment

I realized on Saturday (just before my sister-in-law announced her pregnancy on social media, by the way. Made Saturday *super* fun) that by standard health definitions, we are officially ‘infertile.’

“Infertility is…characterized by the failure to establish a clinical pregnancy after 12 months of regular, unprotected sexual intercourse.” https://resolve.org/infertility-101/what-is-infertility/

I guess I thought that infertility had be diagnosed after doctor visits and testing and all that jazz. Nope. Turns out we hit that mark back in August.

I know that we still haven’t been trying all that long. Part of me feels guilty even taking on this label when I know there are so many others who have been trying longer than we have or who have gone on to have all the above testing and be presented with the list of options nobody ever wants to have to use or received a hopeless diagnosis.

But the other part of me is grateful to have a title. It allows me to identify with others going through the same struggle, and to empathize a little better with a new group of people. It allows me to validate our journey and say more than just a “it feels like a long time (at month 3…6…9 etc) and I’m frustrated.” Not that I wanted any of that. But there’s a strange sort of relief in a title (even a crappy one), and it opens the doors to begin pursuing help and looking into options if we need to.

(And honestly, trying unsuccessfully for even ‘just’ 3 or 6 months can still feel like an eternity when having a baby is something you want so much. It’s not like the TWW is easier if you’ve done less of them. So I don’t mean to invalidate the struggle of those who aren’t at a year…I was at those points too and they sucked then. You just add in more complex emotions and new fears the longer it goes on and it starts to suck differently.)

So. We are 1 in 8.

Maybe this cycle will be the one that breaks that statistic for us, but given my husband’s level of stress right now I have a feeling his little guys have not been at their healthiest so I’m trying to mentally prepare for Aunt Flo to arrive sometime next week and we’ll start looking into at least talking to a doctor.